I'm Going Mad...SERIOUSLY!

I'm going mad. I really am. Let me tell you why I think so.

Why I Think I'm Going Mad:

1.I'm an engineering student.
2.I'm an Electrical and Electronic Engineering student.
3.I'm in second year of college.
4.I have EEE lab.
5.Our maths teacher is giving people short names(She's probably too dumb to read out their full names).
6.She expects people to attend tutorial hours.
7.She actually expects us to solve problems in tutorial hours.
8.We have to attend tutorial classes for DC Machines too.
9.Our DC Machines lecturer expects us to believe that the weird looking enlarged eyeball she drew on the board was a DC Motor.
10.Solid State Devices.


Sigh...
It all started on my first day in second year. That was five days ago. I woke up at 6.30 on the day mentioned above and dressed like I was about to attend an interview. As for the thing one calls bathing that is usually done between waking up and dresssing for class...grow up people..!! What are deo-sprays for?!! Washed my face and actually smeared some sacred ash on my forehead...or at least, that's what I wanted people to believe. A wiser person would've asked me if it was Ponds sandal talc or Cinthol deo talc (it was Ponds, by the way ). The point is, the final result produced was an image of Ultimate Studiousness. That combined with my 'sincerely listening and occassional nodding' act, and the lecs would've taken me to be the most studious person in the college.

Anyways, I entered the class with a kind of bad feeling...and left it with a worser one. This was what happened in between:

Two hours of Field Theory: I fell into coma right on the first class of the year...have nothing against the subject or the lec, though...

An Hour of Solid State Devices: Solid State Devices drew liquid from my eyes...was afraid ppl might think I was weeping...was yawning that much.

An hour of Math: I DON'T want to say anything about this...too traumatic...lady actually expects ppl to attend tutorials...simply outrageous..!

An hour of DC Machines: Its gotta be pretty good I think, if you can atleast determine the language the lecturer speaks in. I've so far been successful in translating 'Nembers' to 'Numbers'.



Bottomline: Om textbookaya namaha..!

Blown fuse!!!

“I want that, when you leeve this lab, you know sometheeng about circoots and gain baseec knowlege about wireeng…”

I still remember those words our wiring instructor told us on our very first wiring class, in his funny English. I thought then,”He seems to be really dedicated though his english is funny…I really must learn something when I complete this lab.” That was 2 months and 3 days ago. A lot happens in 2 months and 3 days. It is now my heartfelt opinion that wiring instructors ought to be electrocuted in their own wiring labs for causing unbearable mental agony and tension to innocent first year engineering students. No, its not like I didn’t learn anything…here’s a list of what I learnt from attending wiring classes:

1. One sweats like a pig in wiring lab. There is only one table fan and it is focused on to the instructor’s table.
2. The ‘drinking’ water in the container there ought to be labeled ‘liquid chlorine’.
3. You ought to get your observation notebook signed within one week of doing the experiment.
4. A lot of people don’t do that.
5. You are asked to get a letter signed by the chairman tutor for mass bunking wiring.
6. Only over-sincere specimens do that.
7. The chairman tutor’s signature is easy to forge.
8. The best way to escape writing the wiring test is by not completing your ‘project report’. The wiring guy usually sends you out in that case.
9. Sometimes, as in my case, he scolds you heavily and makes you write the test if you don’t submit the ‘project report’.
10. If you’ve lost your wiring observation, the best thing to do is pinch someone else’s.
11. Be careful, lest someone pinches yours (mine got pinched).
12. And again, it’s easy to forge the instructor’s sign.
13. If you intend commit any kind of fraud with wiring observation, do it when he’s most busy.

Those were the things I learnt in wiring lab. Well, yeah, I concede that readers might have expected me to mention something about wiring somewhere in the previous statements. After all, wiring lab is meant to teach people wiring. Unfortunately I would be deceiving the readers if I said that.

Why?

Because, the focus was more on completing the observation and record, the assignments, and the project, that we got very little chance to learn something at all. At the end of the wiring lab sessions, these are the skills I’ve acquired:

· Forging the wiring instructor’s signature.

· Manipulating observation notebooks.

· Enhanced creativity in inventing excuses.

Indeed, the workload was so heavy that we didn’t give a damn about understanding why the tube lights and bulbs glowed, as long as they did glow.

But then, if you come to think about it, why do we need to know how it works? Agreed, we’re ‘engineering’ students, but let’s face it; we really aren’t going to do much of engineering, are we? I mean, about 80% of us are going to sit in some 4”x4” cubicle staring at a monitor and typing away on a keyboard for 9 hours a day at the end of 4 years, earning 40k a month, approximately, aren’t we? Maybe on one odd day, the tube light glowing above our head will stop working…and as we’re waiting for the electrician to show up, we might think,” maybe if I’d had shown more interest in wiring workshop, I might have repaired it myself…sigh”

Deviating…again…well, I’d better sign off before I get too preachy…

P.S. Whoever’s reading this please do scribble a few comments, even if all you have to say is how you hate this blog…

The tale of the Trolls...

Its rather weird. Have been looking for something to write about for 2 weeks, but couldn't think of anything. But one class...one class of basic civil engineering and my creativity soared to hitherto unknown levels...



4/4/07 Basic Civil Engineering

Faced Walls:

Faced walls are walls which have faces. Oh yes indeed, they have faces. Infact, they have faces so ugly that even Grosby the troll looks sexier. This is no mean fact as Grosby the troll has been the winner of the 'Bumpler's ugliest troll award' for the past six years in a row. Though this year it is rumoured that Grosby might face serious competition from Fiqowd the Despicable one, an up and coming ugly troll. Fiqowd is rumoured to have caused the death of 82 humans, 45 cows and buffaloes and 32 stray dogs till date by displaying his face in close quarters. Troll land police are still investigating the deaths, but so far no evidence has been found pointing to Fiqowd. Fiquowd refused to comment on the issue. He is busy with his preparation for this year's 'Bumpler's ugliest troll' showdown which is to take place tomorrow. He is confident of winning the same. Ad offers are already beginning to pour in, he says...

2 days later:
Results of the annual 'Bumpler's ugliest troll' have been announced!

Deep Shit

I’ve known a lot of people who hate Monday mornings…I used to be one of them too, till recently. What caused this recent change of heart, you ask me? No, I assure you, it is certainly not any special interest that I might have in attending English lab which is the first class of the day. It is more of the fact that I don’t have to attend English lab, me having taken up German. That leaves me with one free hour in which I can prepare for the experiment, if it is the chemistry lab that follows the first hour or complete writing my observation and record, if it is the physics lab that follows.

Last Monday I was completing my physics observation in this free hour I have so high a regard for, it being the physics lab that I had to attend the next hour and two. I was waiting outside the physics lab promptly at 8.24, which I must tell you is not only being unusually punctual, but in fact a whole minute earlier than the 'scheduled time'. This is highly unusual in my case because it is always the physics lab that waits for me, and not I for it. And no! Before the reader comes to disastrous conclusions like those involving me turning over a new leaf and deciding to be in time for classes, I’ll tell you the reason I was early for lab. We first year students have eight experiments that we are supposed to complete in the two semesters, in our physics lab classes. One semester has passed and so has the second, almost, and I still have four of those eight experiments to complete and two lab classes to complete them. In other words, what had taken me the rest of the year to complete, I had to do it in two lab classes...that’s six hours. How I was planning to complete the feat, you ask me? Well, the course of action I had planned was quite simple…two experiments in this lab class, and two in the next. As simple as that. No complications provided everything was done on time. ON TIME. The magic words. I really had to stick to those two words if I intended passing my lab. And it was for this very valid reason that I was ON TIME to lab class.

I started off with one of the two experiments that I intended to complete that day, without any delay, for time was really precious to me right then. Had taken a couple of readings just when the others (rest of the class) entered and our lecturer made the fateful announcement, “Listen everyone, you won’t be having your next lab class. So you’ll have to complete two experiments today. And you’ll also have to complete all your pending experiments, if you have any, by today.”

I blinked.

I blinked again.

I was about to do it a third time when the bloke with whom I was doing my experiment asked me if I had any pending experiments to complete. I turned towards him and replied, “Two more. Four experiments in total to be completed today.”

Well, if I’d been blinking, it was nothing compared to what he was doing now. “Four?” he mouthed. Yes four, I told him.

Suddenly we both got back to our senses. FOUR GODDAMN EXPERIMENTS TO COMPLETE!!! I did not waste a single moment. Finished the experiment I was doing as fast as I could and hopped on from table to table, looking for the apparatus I required to complete my other experiments. I found one at last, only to find that its resistance boxes weren’t working. I called one of the lecturers there and told him about the strange values I was getting. He told me that it was perfectly alright and to enter the reading even if the galvanometer showed a value little greater or lesser than the required one. I didn’t need any further encouragement. Filled in my own values, got a reading attested, and moved on to the next experiment.

Logic gates, their implementation. I never saw the point in implementing logic gates when the IC’s that contain them do not work. But today, they simply HAD TO WORK. Another guy who had a considerable amount of implementing left to do with logic gates joined me. We got the results right for all the gates but one and informed the lecturer. He attested the values one by one, without even going near the apparatus. We had only one more gate to complete. We didn’t get the result. And it was this particular gate that the lecturer insisted on us showing the result to him. “Damn it!” I thought. After a considerable amount of time, we discovered where the fault lay, corrected it and informed the lecturer. Now he wasn’t interested in seeing the gate work and signed our observations, right away. I cursed to my self again, irritated.

Only one more experiment to complete and ten more minutes left. But the experiment was a rather easy one…logic gates again, but this time it involved their study. I finished it in 6 minutes, one for each gate and got the values attested. It was with a huge sigh of relief that I left the lab that day…

Attended a business quiz that afternoon, after having got my On Duty slip, which meant I wouldn’t be in trouble for bunking ED that afternoon, having bunked a considerable amount of it already. I came back to my room only to find that I’d misplaced my observation, in which I’d got two of the four experiments that I’d completed that day, attested. But I got it back the next day, thankfully.

It has been a week since, and I now have one reason to celebrate and one to feel sorry for.

Reason to celebrate: I got really good marks for all the experiments that I completed that day.

Reason to feel sorry for: I’ve lost my physics lab record, in which I’m supposed to enter all the experiments and results. Sigh…hope I’ll find it…failing which I’ll be in what you’d call DEEP SHIT.

Physics...Bah..!

I keep trying my very best not to poke fun of my teachers in my blogs...but they simply don't seem to want to give me a chance to do so. I mean, a guy has got every right to be left in peace if he wants to sit and sleep in class, or pursue an interest of his choice like solving the day's crossword (trying to) or drawing a nice cartoon. It is really saddening that lecturers do not welcome this idea. It is for this reason that I choose to visit as few physics classes as possible…I have, in fact devised a formula to assist me in deciding whether I need to attend the next physics class or not. Here it is:

(X + b (q^1/2)) / (y+ (p^1/2) +3)

Where,
X = number of days you have attendance for (might be greater than the number of days you actually attended class)
b = estimated number of hours you require to finish any pending assignments.
q = number of hours after 11 p.m. your roommate kept you awake last night by keeping the light on.
y = number of classes you’ve already bunked.
p = spite level, an indication of how much the particular lecturer is fed up with your behavior (sadly, this keeps shooting up for me, every now and then).

Range of result, after substitution of values:

Less than 0.5 - ATTEND THE CLASS, FOR GOD’s SAKE!!!
0.5 to 0.7 - You really should attend class…if you wanna keep out of trouble.
0.7 to 1 – Attend class…just this one…
1 – 1.2 – You’ve been attending a good number of classes…maybe its time to take a break.
1.2 – 1.5 – You really do need that break.
Greater than 1.5 – THIS CAN’T BE YOU!!!

It was on one of those days that the result was an alarming 0.7 that I decided to spend an hour in class. Armed with the day’s sudoku and crossword, I was ready to face any physics teacher be it human or monster (you usually don’t get to see much of the human variety). As soon as I entered class my eyes went straight to the last row, scanning it for empty spaces. I found two, occupied one of them. My lecturer entered the lecture hall and started lecturing, for that’s what lecturers are meant to do in lecture halls. I had filled in about five blank spaces on the sudoku puzzle and was busy arguing with the chap next to me if I could or not fill in a 3 in A-7 when I heard the lecturer call out my number for attendance. I dutifully answered, for attendance is the only reason I attend Physics classes. Just when I was about to resume the argument with my neighbor when I heard the lecturer call me again, this time by my name. From my past experience I have learnt that whenever a lecturer calls you by your name, you’re in for it. She asked me to work out the first of the 9 problems given as assignment the day before, on the board. I was in for it.

I’ve always liked fish…the ones that I’ve seen in my neighbor’s fish tank are really cool. The way they kept opening and closing their mouth always mystified me. Why, I used to ask, do they do that? The mystery was now solved as I stood there in physics class, doing the same.

Srivats is not a man who stands and stares when faced with SERIOUS TROUBLE. He acts, and he does it fast, they say. Well, I certainly did a considerable amount of staring and gaping, but I did not take much time in figuring out a solution to this predicament of mine. I just needed to exchange my notebook with that of Chappie 1’s…who was sure to have completed the problem in question. Chappie 1 was seated down the same row, so it wouldn’t be any trouble to switch notebooks as I walked towards the black board. It was to my serious shock that I discovered that Chappie 1’s notebook was with Chappie 2, who was seated further down the same row. I had to snatch the notebook out of his hand, and I did it rather noisily which grabbed the attention of the lecturer.

She asked me to bring my own notebook. I did so. She asked me again to bring my own notebook. I told her that it was the one in my hand. One look at the measly amount of progress I had made in solving the problem on my notebook and she asked me to leave the classroom. I did so quite happily, with a spring in my step and a smile on my lips. I stood just outside the door waiting for a couple of other people, who I was sure, would join me soon. Chappie 3 emerged out of the class in less than half a minute. Then came Chappie 4, Chappies 5,6,7 …followed by the entire class of 90, all with wide grins on their faces…I burst out laughing right there in the corridor…sigh…Physics can be fun sometimes…!

My Basic Civil Notes...

A force F=6i-3j-2k acts at a point P (1,3,4). Determine the moment of force about the origin.
Solution:
I absolutely refuse to answer this question. I am strongly against such heinous acts that threaten the development of our country. It is my sincere belief that questions such as the one above…

If the position vectors of points A and B are 3i-5j+7k and 6i+3j-5k, find AB vector.

…poison the mind of the younger generation by exposing it to evil ideas such as studiousness and sincerity in submitting assignments…

Show that the vectors 5i+8j-4k and 4i+2j+9k are at right angles to each other.

…and induce them to indulge in criminal activities like studying, writing assignments and attending classes unnecessarily (where the offender’s attendance percentage is already above 75%)…

Show that the vectors A=2i-3j-k, B= -6i+9j+3k are parallel.

…These antisocial activities act as a hindrance to students…

When several forces act on a body, they are called a force system or a system of forces.

…who are interested in performing social services such as filling movie halls and maintaining 90% attendance in college canteens. Even students who sincerely volunteer to perform such good deeds are discouraged by those who indulge in the previously mentioned anti-social activities (studying, submitting assignments, and the like).

RESOLUTION OF FORCES:

‘Resolution of forces’, eh? See what I told you about? This is what happens when you go about listening in class. Resolution of forces, indeed. I have never heard anything more preposterous in my life. If people were to go around resolving forces, what would be the fate of movie halls, canteens and other such student-friendly hangouts? Hence I strongly recommend that ‘Resolution of forces’ must hereby, be declared illegal and punishable by law.

January 25th 2007:

Groan…this man (my basic civil lecturer) sucks…big time! He’s been going on with that crap he calls ‘Problems in Resolution of Forces’ and what I’d call absolute junk. What’s the point? See, he’s now blabbering about some stuff called P, equal to a 100 newtons and another called Q, equal to 50 newtons…or is it the other way round? Who cares? I’m pretending like I’m doing calculations on my 991ES. But I give you my word, I have absolutely no idea of what the whole stuff is about, having paid no attention to the junk when it was being taught.
This chappie (the lecturer) has this funny habit of pronouncing ‘newton’ as ‘newtaan’. I find it hard to control my laughter each time he does it. And hey, he just caught some guy writing something else in class…I think it was his physics record. A fine way to spend time in civil class, if you ask me. Other ways include catching up on some well-needed sleep, solving crosswords (one of my friends suggested that) or if you’re unable to do any of the above, simply vent your anger by writing nonsense in the civil notebook, just like I’m doing now…aah! Its time for lunch…finally…

BCE - II

3rd January, 2007 A.D
9.00 A.M, IST

Basic Civil Engineering class…

From what I heard from my friends who were fortunate (I’m being sarcastic) enough to study this subject last semester, Basic Civil Engineering was not much difficult, but was certainly boring sometimes. They turned out to be wrong about the latter...I mean, about basic civil being boring SOMETIMES… It’s only my second class in Basic Civil Engineering and I lost all hope of even trying to pay the least possible attention in class...what BCE1 (Basic Communication Engineering) was to me last semester, maybe its BCE2 (Basic Civil Engineering) this semester.

Let me explain why. Now let us consider a chappie...our everyday, normal, next door kind of chappie, a chappie like me, in fact. Now this everyday, normal, next door kind of chappie is sitting in his lecture hall, awaiting his civil lecturer, it being the first hour that is about to be wasted on the subject. This lecturer bloke comes in, and starts taking class. Civil lecturers ought to be civil, they say. It would be perfectly normal for this everyday, normal, next door kind of chappie to expect this lecturer bloke to be at least civil enough to introduce himself to the class… his name, and a few words about the subject he’s going to teach...and the like, you know. But it is disheartening that this lecturer bloke doesn’t get any such idea and finds it most prudent to start scribbling away on the board as soon as he enters the class. Mind you, it was 3 whole minutes after he entered the class that he chose to show the class his facial features, having been busy showing them to the black board since the time of his entering into class...sigh...so much for civil lecturers being civil. And once he manages the feat described above (the displaying of one’s facial features to a class of 76), our everyday, normal, next door kind of chappie immediately understands why ‘to be careful what you wish for, as it might come true’.

Now let us go into what happens on the second hour of civil class. This everyday, normal, next door kind of chappie can hear “Pokkiri pongal...” playing on the mp3 player of the chappie behind him, the loud snores of the chappie to his right, the nice chat the two chappies to his left are having and a distant, almost inaudible voice rambling on about new son-in-laws (He discovers later that it was the lecturer bloke going on about Newton’s laws). And he gets an occasional whiff of what he initially assumes to be the strongest of those gases that are used by the law enforcement to control crowds due to their unpleasant effect on one’s olfactory nerves. But after careful investigation, our everyday, normal, next door kind of chappie discovers that:

1. Pigeons shit.
2. They keep mistaking (Again, I’m sarcastic...there is no MISTAKING involved) the civil lecture hall for a PUBLIC TOILET FOR FEATHERED SPECIES.
3. And the shit SIMPLY STINKS!!!

Trying his best to overcome the assault on his olfactory nerves, our everyday, normal, next door kind of chappie tries once again to tune his brain to the frequency of his lecturer bloke. Unfortunately he finds that the particular frequency in question is not covered by his bandwidth (I’m being sarcastic again, there is nothing UNFORTUNATE about the above mentioned). He resigns himself to “Pokkiri Pongal...”... er... no, it’s “ Dhoom again and runaway with me...” now... so much for new year resolutions that involve paying attention in class...hopeless indeed, but who’s complaining...?