Physics...Bah..!

I keep trying my very best not to poke fun of my teachers in my blogs...but they simply don't seem to want to give me a chance to do so. I mean, a guy has got every right to be left in peace if he wants to sit and sleep in class, or pursue an interest of his choice like solving the day's crossword (trying to) or drawing a nice cartoon. It is really saddening that lecturers do not welcome this idea. It is for this reason that I choose to visit as few physics classes as possible…I have, in fact devised a formula to assist me in deciding whether I need to attend the next physics class or not. Here it is:

(X + b (q^1/2)) / (y+ (p^1/2) +3)

Where,
X = number of days you have attendance for (might be greater than the number of days you actually attended class)
b = estimated number of hours you require to finish any pending assignments.
q = number of hours after 11 p.m. your roommate kept you awake last night by keeping the light on.
y = number of classes you’ve already bunked.
p = spite level, an indication of how much the particular lecturer is fed up with your behavior (sadly, this keeps shooting up for me, every now and then).

Range of result, after substitution of values:

Less than 0.5 - ATTEND THE CLASS, FOR GOD’s SAKE!!!
0.5 to 0.7 - You really should attend class…if you wanna keep out of trouble.
0.7 to 1 – Attend class…just this one…
1 – 1.2 – You’ve been attending a good number of classes…maybe its time to take a break.
1.2 – 1.5 – You really do need that break.
Greater than 1.5 – THIS CAN’T BE YOU!!!

It was on one of those days that the result was an alarming 0.7 that I decided to spend an hour in class. Armed with the day’s sudoku and crossword, I was ready to face any physics teacher be it human or monster (you usually don’t get to see much of the human variety). As soon as I entered class my eyes went straight to the last row, scanning it for empty spaces. I found two, occupied one of them. My lecturer entered the lecture hall and started lecturing, for that’s what lecturers are meant to do in lecture halls. I had filled in about five blank spaces on the sudoku puzzle and was busy arguing with the chap next to me if I could or not fill in a 3 in A-7 when I heard the lecturer call out my number for attendance. I dutifully answered, for attendance is the only reason I attend Physics classes. Just when I was about to resume the argument with my neighbor when I heard the lecturer call me again, this time by my name. From my past experience I have learnt that whenever a lecturer calls you by your name, you’re in for it. She asked me to work out the first of the 9 problems given as assignment the day before, on the board. I was in for it.

I’ve always liked fish…the ones that I’ve seen in my neighbor’s fish tank are really cool. The way they kept opening and closing their mouth always mystified me. Why, I used to ask, do they do that? The mystery was now solved as I stood there in physics class, doing the same.

Srivats is not a man who stands and stares when faced with SERIOUS TROUBLE. He acts, and he does it fast, they say. Well, I certainly did a considerable amount of staring and gaping, but I did not take much time in figuring out a solution to this predicament of mine. I just needed to exchange my notebook with that of Chappie 1’s…who was sure to have completed the problem in question. Chappie 1 was seated down the same row, so it wouldn’t be any trouble to switch notebooks as I walked towards the black board. It was to my serious shock that I discovered that Chappie 1’s notebook was with Chappie 2, who was seated further down the same row. I had to snatch the notebook out of his hand, and I did it rather noisily which grabbed the attention of the lecturer.

She asked me to bring my own notebook. I did so. She asked me again to bring my own notebook. I told her that it was the one in my hand. One look at the measly amount of progress I had made in solving the problem on my notebook and she asked me to leave the classroom. I did so quite happily, with a spring in my step and a smile on my lips. I stood just outside the door waiting for a couple of other people, who I was sure, would join me soon. Chappie 3 emerged out of the class in less than half a minute. Then came Chappie 4, Chappies 5,6,7 …followed by the entire class of 90, all with wide grins on their faces…I burst out laughing right there in the corridor…sigh…Physics can be fun sometimes…!

My Basic Civil Notes...

A force F=6i-3j-2k acts at a point P (1,3,4). Determine the moment of force about the origin.
Solution:
I absolutely refuse to answer this question. I am strongly against such heinous acts that threaten the development of our country. It is my sincere belief that questions such as the one above…

If the position vectors of points A and B are 3i-5j+7k and 6i+3j-5k, find AB vector.

…poison the mind of the younger generation by exposing it to evil ideas such as studiousness and sincerity in submitting assignments…

Show that the vectors 5i+8j-4k and 4i+2j+9k are at right angles to each other.

…and induce them to indulge in criminal activities like studying, writing assignments and attending classes unnecessarily (where the offender’s attendance percentage is already above 75%)…

Show that the vectors A=2i-3j-k, B= -6i+9j+3k are parallel.

…These antisocial activities act as a hindrance to students…

When several forces act on a body, they are called a force system or a system of forces.

…who are interested in performing social services such as filling movie halls and maintaining 90% attendance in college canteens. Even students who sincerely volunteer to perform such good deeds are discouraged by those who indulge in the previously mentioned anti-social activities (studying, submitting assignments, and the like).

RESOLUTION OF FORCES:

‘Resolution of forces’, eh? See what I told you about? This is what happens when you go about listening in class. Resolution of forces, indeed. I have never heard anything more preposterous in my life. If people were to go around resolving forces, what would be the fate of movie halls, canteens and other such student-friendly hangouts? Hence I strongly recommend that ‘Resolution of forces’ must hereby, be declared illegal and punishable by law.

January 25th 2007:

Groan…this man (my basic civil lecturer) sucks…big time! He’s been going on with that crap he calls ‘Problems in Resolution of Forces’ and what I’d call absolute junk. What’s the point? See, he’s now blabbering about some stuff called P, equal to a 100 newtons and another called Q, equal to 50 newtons…or is it the other way round? Who cares? I’m pretending like I’m doing calculations on my 991ES. But I give you my word, I have absolutely no idea of what the whole stuff is about, having paid no attention to the junk when it was being taught.
This chappie (the lecturer) has this funny habit of pronouncing ‘newton’ as ‘newtaan’. I find it hard to control my laughter each time he does it. And hey, he just caught some guy writing something else in class…I think it was his physics record. A fine way to spend time in civil class, if you ask me. Other ways include catching up on some well-needed sleep, solving crosswords (one of my friends suggested that) or if you’re unable to do any of the above, simply vent your anger by writing nonsense in the civil notebook, just like I’m doing now…aah! Its time for lunch…finally…

BCE - II

3rd January, 2007 A.D
9.00 A.M, IST

Basic Civil Engineering class…

From what I heard from my friends who were fortunate (I’m being sarcastic) enough to study this subject last semester, Basic Civil Engineering was not much difficult, but was certainly boring sometimes. They turned out to be wrong about the latter...I mean, about basic civil being boring SOMETIMES… It’s only my second class in Basic Civil Engineering and I lost all hope of even trying to pay the least possible attention in class...what BCE1 (Basic Communication Engineering) was to me last semester, maybe its BCE2 (Basic Civil Engineering) this semester.

Let me explain why. Now let us consider a chappie...our everyday, normal, next door kind of chappie, a chappie like me, in fact. Now this everyday, normal, next door kind of chappie is sitting in his lecture hall, awaiting his civil lecturer, it being the first hour that is about to be wasted on the subject. This lecturer bloke comes in, and starts taking class. Civil lecturers ought to be civil, they say. It would be perfectly normal for this everyday, normal, next door kind of chappie to expect this lecturer bloke to be at least civil enough to introduce himself to the class… his name, and a few words about the subject he’s going to teach...and the like, you know. But it is disheartening that this lecturer bloke doesn’t get any such idea and finds it most prudent to start scribbling away on the board as soon as he enters the class. Mind you, it was 3 whole minutes after he entered the class that he chose to show the class his facial features, having been busy showing them to the black board since the time of his entering into class...sigh...so much for civil lecturers being civil. And once he manages the feat described above (the displaying of one’s facial features to a class of 76), our everyday, normal, next door kind of chappie immediately understands why ‘to be careful what you wish for, as it might come true’.

Now let us go into what happens on the second hour of civil class. This everyday, normal, next door kind of chappie can hear “Pokkiri pongal...” playing on the mp3 player of the chappie behind him, the loud snores of the chappie to his right, the nice chat the two chappies to his left are having and a distant, almost inaudible voice rambling on about new son-in-laws (He discovers later that it was the lecturer bloke going on about Newton’s laws). And he gets an occasional whiff of what he initially assumes to be the strongest of those gases that are used by the law enforcement to control crowds due to their unpleasant effect on one’s olfactory nerves. But after careful investigation, our everyday, normal, next door kind of chappie discovers that:

1. Pigeons shit.
2. They keep mistaking (Again, I’m sarcastic...there is no MISTAKING involved) the civil lecture hall for a PUBLIC TOILET FOR FEATHERED SPECIES.
3. And the shit SIMPLY STINKS!!!

Trying his best to overcome the assault on his olfactory nerves, our everyday, normal, next door kind of chappie tries once again to tune his brain to the frequency of his lecturer bloke. Unfortunately he finds that the particular frequency in question is not covered by his bandwidth (I’m being sarcastic again, there is nothing UNFORTUNATE about the above mentioned). He resigns himself to “Pokkiri Pongal...”... er... no, it’s “ Dhoom again and runaway with me...” now... so much for new year resolutions that involve paying attention in class...hopeless indeed, but who’s complaining...?

Resolutions...

I decided to put up my new year resolutions here so that you can give me a good kick when you catch me not sticking to them…

My New Year resolutions for 2007:

1. Arrange the laser guided missiles I play with, in my bedroom properly. My mom fears they might go off accidentally and destroy the city.

2. Dust my ship which I use to visit my home planet everyday. It won’t take much time, considering the ship is only 20 miles long.

3. Limit myself to eating 400 kg of ‘ewgriore’ (my favorite alien dish) each day.

4. Stop damaging aeroplanes by jumping down from them. PanAm has lost 30 planes so far. And Fly Emirates has lost nearly 15.

5. Keep my anger under control. Went berserk when I got upset last month and smashed up a whole neighborhood. The MIB are finding it rather hard to cover up.

6. Stop playing football with the neighbor’s kid…as the goal. He keeps flying off into the ionosphere. And the MIB have to get him back and wipe his memory each time.

The year 2006 A.D.

'THIS WAS DEFINITELY WHAT I’D CALL ‘ONE HECK OF AN YEAR’.

As I’m standing at the end of 2006, looking back at the one year I’ve gone through, I can’t say anything else. A year ago, I did not have had the slightest idea what I was to become, or rather, what my life was to become in this one year. It’s changed my whole goddamn life upside down! Though I’m more or less the same in physical appearance, it’s the inner self, as one would call it, which has been subjected to a complete transformation by the …eh…vicissitudes of fate. Let’s look at the phases these changes took place, one by one…

PHASE 1 (January, February and March): The Headache

My half yearly marks had just come out and they were nowhere near encouraging. And it was time for my model exams. Added to this was the Ten Test headache at my tuition centers. I really didn’t do anything these three months except for jumping from one test to another, often getting low marks in many (especially Chemistry). But I didn’t give a damn for these marks; I never have, in fact. Before I knew it my board exams were staring into my face and I, at them. The headache was finally over on March 23^rd, when we wrote our last exam. The evening of March 23^rd shall be one that I’ll never forget. I, along with my friends celebrated the end of exams by seeing Rang De Basanti at Satyam, and I will never forget that movie, either…one of my favorites. That’s the end of Phase 1.

PHASE 2 (April, May and June) : Under High Tension

The next three months, I wrote four more entrance exams, the IIT JEE, AIEEE, BITSAT and the dear old CET, in that order. I really had a good time during common entrance coaching. All this was over by May itself…the rest of this phase, we all spent under high tension, waiting for the examination results. And when they came, it had a pleasant surprise in store for me. It turned out no one in my family had expected me to score that well…I found that a bit of an insult, but it was a good thing in fact. By the end of this Phase, I’d known my cutoff marks and had a pretty good idea what kind of college I’d be studying in.

PHASE 3 (July, August and September): Wrote my destiny

The entire month of July, I was in front of my computer, researching, making my decision on what college I would choose, from what would be available to me. Let me tell you what parameters I was taking into consideration. I kept hopping on from one college website to next. I visited the orkut communities of all those colleges to see what the students had to say about the college. And I tried collecting as much info as I could about the boys to girls ratio in each college (I can hear an “Ada paavi!” at this point). After all this I finally decided on being a day scholar, and to take EEE at SSN. But at the last minute, I got this call from my cousin advising me VERY STRONGLY to take the same course in the college I now happen to be a student of. I checked the college out on the net that night and found that it offered its students a lot of freedom. Perfect, I thought…just what I wanted. So, by the same time the next night, I’d written my destiny and I’d already found a couple of friends, my would-be classmates, over the net, all thanks to orkut. College was a lot different from the way I imagined it. And the hostel…I didn’t know what to say about it when I first saw it. But as time went, I adjusted myself to things. I had really nice roommates, and really good friends in class, and one in the same branch as me. As for the girls, don’t ask. Utter disappointment. Well, one can’t have everything. I was changing slowly at first…washing my own clothes, meeting and conversing with people with whom I had nothing in common, beginning to swear when I got annoyed without trying to control myself…and the like. Gained friends, lost a few…and well, I was not sad about my choice of college at the end of these three months.

PHASE 4 (October, November and December): Final destination

The last three months were really eventful. I spent almost all the time at the hostel these days, owing to the lack of many weekend holidays. This made me close to my roommates, though one of them never stays much in the room. I made a lot of casual friends, and a few good ones too, though none that can be categorized as really best friends. That’ll take time I guess, especially with a person like me, who finds it hard to trust people. Got blasted off by a lecturer, got caught sleeping in class often and really really screwed up more exams than I’ve done in the rest of my past life. One thing that makes me happy about my college is that, when I tell someone its name, they instantly recognize it and tell me it’s a good college…it does have some reputation, since it’s been around for long. At the end of the year, I’m still not sad about my choice of college. I would have never got to meet certain people had I chosen some other college. That’s maybe why I get irritated when people say they don’t like this college. But whether I’m happy with my college is another issue. I really don’t know the answer to that. Only time will tell…

It’s the last day of the year now…and I can’t help wondering, what a different person I was a year ago. But then, as I look at it more carefully, I haven’t changed much at all, am still the same old guy I was an year ago…its only my surroundings that have changed. I don’t know for sure. I never even guessed certain kinds of people existed before I saw them here, in my college. I’m still getting used to college. I’ve learnt a lot of good things at college, like blogging for example. I would have probably never started this thing, unless I’d been inspired by a blog of another college mate of mine. I started it only at the beginning of PHASE 4, in fact. And it’s been highly useful. At least, now there is a place I can put all the crap I write…instead of putting it in a corner of my mind and never writing it at all in the first place…and hey…its almost 12…so hi 2007…

Fun at cousin's place...

Scene: The terrace, at my cousin’s place.

Characters: Me and cousin (Elder, female of the species)

This happened three days before my BCE exam. It was about 5.30 in the evening. I was resting comfortably in a chair with loads of BCE notes scattered around me and my cousin, seated equally comfortable with a copy of J.L. Manish’s (or was it K.L Manish?)‘Networking for Beginners’ in her hands. I was supposed to be studying for my BCE exam, quite obviously. And I was not studying for my BCE exam, again quite obviously. You see, I was more interested in the couple of crows flying above me. I was delving on the grace and beauty of these fascinating creatures when I was rudely interrupted by the cousin I spoke about.

Cousin: You’re supposed to be studying, remember?

Me: Yeah…but these crows are more fascinating than BCE…

Cousin: I can understand….. they probably look better than the girls in your college.

This got me irritated…though I found little fault with her view, there was no need to keep rubbing it in at every opportunity. Also, though not to a great extent, some girls in my college do look better than the feathered friends I’ve been discussing about.

Me: Do we need to go into that?

Cousin: Then for heaven’s sake stop watching those stupid birds and start studying..!

Me: Sigh…ok…

5 minutes into BCE and I was back to watching the crows again…

Cousin: You are going to fail BCE, you know…

Me (without taking my eyes off the crows): Who cares?

Cousin: Dei, padi da…

Me (still focused on the crows): Don’t worry, I will…

Cousin: If you’re gonna keep an arrear in this subject you’ll never....

And so she went on….with her lecture. I was still immersed in watching the crows flying over my head. They were flying in beautiful arcs and curves….WHOOSH..! SWISH..! ZOOM..! and just when they were right above my head, SPLAT!

My cousin burst out laughing.

Cousin: Bulls eye!

I wasn’t all that amused, you see, because the bulls eye my cousin was referring to had its centre right above my nose, on my forehead.

Me: shit.

Cousin (still cackling): Yeah…it is…crow shit…

Me: Nice discovery thank you very much, but I figured it out for myself…

Cousin: Planning to wash the shit off your face at all…?

Me: I’ll do that…

So, after doing what one would call 'washing the shit off one's face' (and I did a thorough job of it) I returned to face an even worser kind of shit....BCE…and in another 5 minutes I gave it up altogether…

Me: No use…

Cousin: Hey come on…I used to study stuff twice as boring as this without losing concentration…

Me: I do not possess such extraordinary intelligence.

Cousin: You think I possess extraordinary intelligence?

Me: You do.

Cousin: What? Possess?

Me: No, think.

It took her the best of 10 seconds to figure out the meaning of what I said…and I made most out of those ten seconds by running for cover behind the door and slamming it shut. Sure enough, just when I shut the door, I heard a heavy thud against the door caused by, as I rightly guessed, the impact of J.L Manish’s (or K.L. Manish?) ‘Networking for beginners’.

Moral of the story:

1. Trying to study BCE always lands you in trouble.

2. Don’t be fascinated by crows, however bad your college girls look.

3. Cousins can throw a 1.7kg book at you without any hesitation when provoked. So make sure there are sturdy doors around, or at least a big sofa behind which you can take cover when books start turning into lethal projectiles.

V for Vendetta.....B for ...?

My own custom intro of the character B, in V for Vendetta style....


Boo! Present before you is a bloated, big-nosed buffon, widely believed to be boring and birdbrained. This bizarre blockhead is no banner of bravery, boldness or brains, but rather a badge of bad manners and brainlessness. Being a batty old bugger, he is also the bringer of bad luck and often, the butt of the best jokes in the band. Bewildered by the most basic of brainworks, it is certainly bewildering that his brain works. His bitter, blabbering mouth and biting nature have made him the biggest blunder of ma nature. Beggarly in attire and beastly in behaviour, he is a base brute who backbites on everybody. So let me add that he is the greatest dishonour to the planet and that you may call him B (B for Bas**rd).


The original dialogue, as in the movie:

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V